I feel as if I am in a fluid state right now. It’s as if all that I knew of me, all that I felt was rock solid and true, is now spilling out of me like a leak in a tail pipe and I’m losing bits of myself everywhere I go. I am the solder under fire, once containable but now flux. My only comfort is in knowing that solder will harden again. I also know that whatever I become when I’m reattached, this join will be a weak point and something I’ll need to monitor and reinforce from now on. Hopefully I’ll have the tools and means to do so as I forge ahead.
The new year is growing stale and my thoughts are void of inspiration. I dread the weekends and then the long week starts. I try to motivate myself to create art but I look at it and feel empty. I push myself to write and I stare at blank pages and cry. I can’t even bring myself to get out into nature and take pictures. It is a scary state to find yourself in, no direction and no desire to do anything at all. Food spoils in my fridge and I wonder why I even bother buying it. My fur babies are getting fed but not on schedule like they were accustomed to. I missed taking the trash out last week but it wasn’t full and it’s winter so whatever.
The bonds and connections to people I held closest to me and relied on are broken and seem irreparable. This is my greatest regret. I own my actions over the past three months which have contributed to my current predicament, but no one person is responsible for everything failing in any friendship/relationship. The things I’ve said or done weren’t so horrible to exact the consequences that resulted. I’ve asked for forgiveness, compassion and reassuring from those I’ve made emotionally reactive mistakes with. I must forgive myself as well, which I’m doing. I own my mistakes but I won’t own anyone else’s. We all gotta choke down our doses of humility and my cup is already full.
If it weren’t for my understanding of how solder works, I would probably not be here writing this right now. Seriously. The only thing I’m holding onto right now is the hope that I can harden up enough to survive this cold, harsh world alone. My faith in mankind has been significantly depleted. I haven’t determined my ‘test over’ date yet, but I doubt I’ll hang around this constricting and claustrophobic climate very long, everything is getting worse everywhere I look and everyone is fucking oblivious.
It’s interesting but not surprising considering society collectively doesn’t care about people. All you have to do is look at the growing numbers of homeless people in your neighborhood. You see them, don’t act like you don’t. Do people only help others because it benefits them in some personal way? Is this the gist of today’s ‘productive member’ of the population, approach all relationships with a ‘what’s in it for me’ attitude? Remember, capitalists didn’t become wealthy and powerful by themselves. I see story after story of people doing amazing things which should comfort and inspire me but I know they didn’t do those things alone. No one does anything alone. Now I am alone. What can I do now?
THIS LITERALLY JUST HAPPENED, RIGHT NOW WHILE I WAS SOBBING & SPILLING MY DEMONS, FEELING HOPELESS:
My phone just rang and it was one of the dear friends I have been mourning the loss of along with the loss of my Jim. She knew him, loved him and has been mourning him too. She said she was talking to him and he told her to call me. Not ten minutes before she called me, I thought of her. I’ve lost more than one friendship along with my best friend, so the fact that she was who I thought of and who actually called restored my faith that there was a light to find. I’m crying as I write this now because of all the unnecessary torment I put myself through.
It’s okay; y’all can be at ease and know that everything is right in my world again. Well, not really but I’m not planning on liquidating everything and running off to Giza to impale myself on a pyramid anymore (what a way to go though, no?). I’m not better now just because my friend called me either. Yes, that was what triggered the event that restored my hope, but not what made my conscience click back into survival mode. What happened is a synchronicity that is difficult to explain but something I think everyone has experienced in some way in their life. I know this wasn’t my first experience of it, but all my previous faith in this energy, for lack of a better way to describe it, wasn’t enough to sustain me through this most recent dark period. It was the combination of the despair I felt, her name popping up in my head, and my phone ringing with her name on the screen; the whole chain of events. I looked at a picture of Jim on my desk after we hung up the phone and he seemed to be smiling bigger at me…almost laughing at me which he likes to do now, but only when he knows I can handle it (thankfully). Religious people might give their god credit for what I experienced but that’s too simplistic and unimaginative in my opinion.
All I know is people need people.
Love is grace and grace is forgiveness.
We are all connected. Love conquers all.
When I lose faith in others and I lose faith in myself, I must hold on to faith in the process of life itself I guess and when it is over for me, we’ll all know. 😉
Peace
♥
“Many miles away something crawls from the slime
At the bottom of a dark Scottish lake.”
A Musing Stef 